Diary Of A Lekki Houseboy

Episode 6

‘When will I get to phuck,bang,bleep,straf a real
pussay? When will my hands retire from easing my
intimate urges? Why am I even afraid of s*x? Which
way nah?” I was asking myself in my post-
masterbating trauma while I used my towel to clean
myself, Ofcourse I took my bath.

In contrast, I was not sexually active, I was more
like a kid that lies to himself “No sx, it destroys lives”. But as a Lone wolf, I stay home fantasising about sx, how a pussay will feel in my umm..

Maybe a huge lagbaja.

Lagbaja was a name my ex gave to my J0yst!ck
(Long story I tell you, but she gave it that name
because I always wore Two underwears: Perry
Coles n Swimming pants. And she never got to see
it, she only felt it via feelings )
Dressed, headed to the kitchen to find some food.

On entering the kitchen, I saw Joyce(The Woman)
cooking noodles and when she saw me, I felt an
electric shock ran through her.

“Good evening aunty” was all I said.

“Evening danladi.. You want some noodles?” She
asked.

Ahahahaha! What? She asked if I wanted noodles?

She phucking asked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“No ma” I said with a straight face as I went to take
bread from the fridge,looking outside the
compound, the Honda EOD was still not around, so
I headed straight to d sitting room with “So Bros
Abu drive that car wey I wash commot? He dey
craze? On my mind. But she called me and said:
“Danladi we need to talk”.
I have seen this before, right? Yeah!! In the movies.

As much as I like Hollywood fictional movies, I am
of the highest opinion that Nollywood (Wtf!
Hollywood is in Blackberry dictionary and
Nollywood aint here? ) is the best when it comes
to moral lessons.

I stood, looked back at her, straight in her eyes and
said: “I don’t what to hear anything, we don’t have
anything!”. I felt like the Boss. Dem no born my
uncle well make he raise voice for him wife like I did
just now. I was in this bossy euphoria when I heard
footsteps coming down the stairs.
“Mahmah, (a name they call themselves, ajeboptas
tho) do you have any panadol left?” Esther asked
Joyce. Joyce was kind of shaky but she managed to
asked “You still having the headache?”.. That was
the last I heard when I took my Bread n Barma to
the sitting room as fantasies of me blackmailing this
rich Lawyer dreaded me . “What if I tell her I
wanted a round? Or perhaps, I ask for money?

Chai!
Danladi you don hammer!, you be Wassup nigga”..
Drake’s The Motto was playing on MTVB, so I kept
on repeating “Real Nigga wassup “, I never really
knew what drake was saying tho.
“Danladi! Why do you always insert a bread inside
barma? I told you 3days ago that this is not how its
done, village boy swags”, Faith said with a smile.

Faith was a follower on twitter as I followed her
also(She had about 4k followes tho), we chat once
in a while on DMs but I was always shy to speak to
her facially because she had this british accent and
I, myself, a confirm benin accent accompanied by
stammering.
“Un.. n..n..serious Girl of a..of a thing”.. I smiled and
said.

She was somehow friendly, and I wasn’t
comfortable, so I asked if she cared for some bread
which she turned down. Sorry I have to put this in a
convo, no vex.

Faith: So, Lazii Druid’s Party at micheal’s house?
Me: Looked up, how did… (Shocked face and she
interrupted)
Faith: Saw it on your mentions, and kida kudz even
retweeted the original tweet by the host.

Me: Oh! Cool, you wanna go?
Faith: Yup, I retweeted it as a favour, and asamoah
said he would give me a blind date. Cool right?
Me: Yeah! (Pretty much in my angry mood)
Faith:What time is it though?
Me: Its 8pm till you pass out, but non residents of
VGC will have to be there before 7:30pm.

Faith: 5pm already, I guess I better get ready..

I swear I thought she was joking