Diary Of A Single Mom

Episode 13

What i feared and dreaded most had befallen me. i needed to sit down and think about the way forward. Having a baby planned or unplanned isn’t a picnic. you will be surprised to love and appreciate your parents more when you realize that you are bringing a human being into this world. i missed my mum, i wished i had listened to her but i thought i was big enough to handle anything and i wished i could talk to her but my village could have been entirely another planet because of its exclusion from development especially when it came to technology issues. come on who still write letters just to talk about family issues in this time and era of what-sapping and face-booking? imagine writing to tell her about my pregnancy and accidentally falling into the hands of my father, there could be blue murder. Here in Lilongwe i have seen so many gogos with phones proudly having poaches with threads around their necks just because they don’t want to be left behind.
Straight from the hospital i decided to go home. i was feeling so tired especially from the burden i was carrying in my heart. its either i had to sleep which was impossible at that point in time or i had to cry my heart out which would make me feel better but take me nowhere. i found Ben sitting on the verandah of my house tapping his feet without a care in the world as if he was on a social call. my heart made a somersault, its a miracle i didn’t topple over and land on my bottom in shock. my face was deathly pale as if i had seen the ghost of my ancestors. he was the last person i had expected to see. didn’t he get it? not picking up his call meant i neither wasn’t ready to talk to him nor see his face which i felt only made matters worse. the fact that i was still hopelessly in love with him and couldn’t be able to hide it was sore to my heart while he seemed to have moved on. his presence made me ruffle my unmade hair and i looked at myself to realize that i had put on that piece of wrapper for quite some days and the thickest sweater even though it was blazing. yooh i didn’t like being caught in that state and everyone else doesn’t.you need to send a message to your ex that you are doing great without them by the way you look.
” since you couldn’t pick my call i thought of stopping over to see how you are doing” he looked as good as i could remember and i seemed to sink in his brooding brown eyes.
” as if you care” that came out so blunt i realized we still had unfinished business because i still wanted to know my crime at being ditched. everything ought to have a reason.
” just look at the state of you. what happened to water?” i know i still looked and felt like i had just woken up but he needed not to have stuck it to my face.
” if you came to mock me you might as well take your leave and come again when you have better things to say”. I didn’t have time for haters.he laughed like i had cracked the worst of jokes that need reaction force even though the joke isn’t funny.
” i came to congratulate you for being selected to study your dream course.it doesn’t happen everyday you should consider yourself lucky” thanks to his snooping friends parading themselves as teachers who always seemed to give him first hand information.
“thanks. it might be good also to know that i went to the hospital for a pregnancy test and it came out positive” did i just see his lips twitching in a knowing smile?
” well i knew it and i remember the night it clearly happened, should i remind you?” he was grinning mischievously.
“no thank you that’s enough”. how could i forget that passion filled night whose memories were imprinted on the walls of my heart and still made my toes curl and tingle, screaming for that lost time. now this pregnancy saved as a placard of the results of that night and i had to be the only one to show for the hidden act.
” i will support you emotionally, physically,financially you name it to make sure the baby will have everything.”
“except mom and dad together every morning when she wake up” tears were already welling up in my eyes. never in my life did i ever dream of becoming a single parent as early as this. maybe through death of a husband but that’s entirely a different case.
” lets not talk about that now,”he said while looking away. i could see guilt written all over his face.
” why not now? i cannot bear to have questions every single day as to why we are not together by an innocent kid. if you knew you were going to leave,i can as well go for an abortion to end it all. that way you and me will have no any single string attached. you go your way and i go mine as free as a bird.” i wasn’t ready to drop that subject because who knew when i was going to have another chance to speak again.
” i will always be there for my kid.as for abortion, whatever will happen to you i wash my hands off it because i didn’t deny my responsibility” that sounded ironic,but i got it. he didn’t want to have anything to do with me but he wanted to have everything to do with the baby. i felt so rejected i wished the ground could open and swallow me. his phone rung and he answered it with a Colgate poster sort of smile on his face.
“hello babe” my heart sunk and drowned, this guy sure had a nerve.
” where are you going? with who?…. ine nsanje (am jealous ). it was evident he was in his own world as if i wasn’t standing there at all. he continued murmuring some more sweet nothings.
“okay hun i am waiting for my surprise when we meet. me? yeah well am at a colleague’s friend you know wrapping up office left over work.okay.take care.love you more” urrgh he made those irritating kissing sounds. i was trembling inside out. did he just travel to romance land and drag me along to painfully watch the show? how could he be so cold hearted like a crocodile which drag its helpless victims in water with its firm grip knowing that he he is the king of the water? but this was my place and he was supposed to show some respect, some dignity. i felt hopeless and i couldn’t do anything about it, it was his heart and he had the right to choose who to love and who to dump.i sU-Cked it up.
“err sorry about that. yeah well where were we? ohh we were talking about junior and…”
“it will be a girl” i chipped in.there is no way i was bearing another Ben so that he should drive another poor heart crazy again.
” how do you know?” i rolled my eyes in boredom. i was the mother and therefore knew best. i didn’t know why but ever since the doctor’s confirmation,i thought of nothing but a cute little princess and i had already started picturing her having my complexion.i didn’t care if he had his looks but not his complexion because he was as dark as three nights combined.
” i must be on my way. here is twenty thousand kwacha. go and pay the first installment of your tuition fee” this couldn’t be happening.
” i don’t need your money,i will manage on my own”. i still had my pride to rescue.
” stop being a drama queen and take the money,we both know you need it and please do something about your looks”…and it was true,my mind had already exhausted all the possible ways from where my fees would come from. i was genuinely grateful.i took it and watched him go in dispair and with a heavy heart.
that night i dreamt a person i had never seen before in my entire life telling me that if i ever would be dull and stupid enough as to attempt aborting, i would die. because i had thought of using the money Ben gave me to go with Norah to the doctor she told me about because i realized single handedly i couldn’t raise the baby. all that talk of support and always being there,i convinced myself that it was just cheap talk. after waking up i was afraid of the unknown and battled myself out of that evil thought. dreams have a significant meaning to our African lives.
i went to do registration for my course from there i went to see Emmah who told me that she saw Ben in his car with a girl with a dramatic complexion and hair do. that reminded me of someone yet i didn’t think it was who i thought it was …