I Fucked Her

Episode 13

Free food…. Free p’u’s’sy… Free bed for the night.. If na so prison dey walai some people go sentence themselves to life imprisonment. Make una help me check this thing out na, even if na you, babe call you, promise you toto, promise you food and where to crash for the night, you go dull?
After that call my mind was just thinking of the things I would do to her body. Spending the night with a girl should mean “All Night Choping” na. Well, that single thought alone made my diicckk to do the typing for me. Kai, every where I looked in the office, I see a beautiful n’a’aked body staring at me. I had to go to the restroom severally because the cold from the AC coupled with the crazy e;rection of my diccckk was pissing me off. Na so so piss (no wanking oo) I just dey piss.

“Attai, you have been smiling since”
It was my colleague. Chei, this guy wan spoil my mood.

“Yes o. I am so happy within me.”
I answered him hoping he was going to free me.

“What’s the source of your happiness?”
See, normally I should be ignoring the guy but getting him angry gives me the greatest joy. You may call me a sadist o but most time I derive as much pleasure getting people angry as I make them happy. Such is life. I don’t have to please you at all times.

“I am going for an all night”
Now that answer is the best and I wasn’t lying. I was saying the truth in black and white.
“Wow, that’s great o. It means you have been listening to me.”

He said. Listening to who? Me listen to you? You go die better die.

“Yes na, I want to model my life like you. You know what Jesus said about them white-washed cemeteries na?”

He looked at me confusingly.

“Did Jesus make any statement?”
I shook my head. The preacher is preaching but is not grounded. These are the kind of people that are easily toyed with. You see them holding a big Bible but they don’t know nothing inside.

“You eh. So you want me to start preaching to you eh? You are supposed to be my father in the Lord na.”
I said to him secretly enjoying the moment.
“Just tell me. I have not come across that part before.”

Kai, this guy no do bible study when him be pikin ni?

“Okay, I will tell you only this one time. According to Jesus, cemeteries are beautiful outside but are filled with unclean things and dead men bones inside.”

See, I suppose be pastor o, make una pay una tithe with the number for my signature. Don’t give something that cost you nothing o. Be like David.

“How does that relate to this issue here?”
He asked.

“See, I want to be doing holy holy outside. When I am in the secret, I will do my bad things. That way I will appear righteous in your eyes. You know I don’t trust you. Hmmm… Woe unto the hypocrites who show holy holy when their sin is worse than our own o. Your hell fire no be here.”
I concluded. He just stood looking at me like he was contemplating what to say next.
“May God forgive you.”

Now let’s move to Catholic When the Priest mentions a blessing on the congregation during mass, they always reply him.
“All also you.”

I replied him. He just did this “holier than thou” face and walked into his own office. See me o. Why this guy wan spoil my day na. Haba, all the imaginations wey I don get for this matter, I no sure say I go allow am spoil am for me.

“Hello, have you closed yet?”
That was hours later o. I had not so I told her so. But men, conji had built up to an “insummable” level that I had to look for an excuse to skip office. I waited till my boss returned then sq££zed my face like one who had diarrhea. I went to knock on her office door.

“Yes Attai.”
I did not say anything, I just stood with that face looking at her.

“What is wrong with you?”
She asked. Now I stepped in.
“I don’t know ma o. Maybe it is this okpa.”
I answered.

“I have always warned you to always watch the way you consume that product. You don’t know how it is made, the water that is used. God, you might have gotten poisoned from it now.”

Madam release me abeg. Make the poison kill me sake of say I come tell you?
“Take this N3,000. Treat yourself. If you are not strong enough, you can skip work tomorrow.”

Chei!!! The best boss ever. I thanked her. Collected the money and walked to my table. Picked my bag and crawled out. As soon as I got to the lift, I was healed miraculously. Believe in miracles ooo…

Sometimes e dey get as e dey be when nature wan punish you. You go don put high hopes for something finish, na so your hand go come fall. Na wetin me I experience be that o. But that no be wetin happen. For example now, if person promise me money, I no dey include am for my personal budget because the person fit fail me.

I left the office feeling high and mighty. I felt I had the best brain in the world. Work closes by 6pm but I left around 5pm. My plans was to get into the hold-up (we don’t call it traffic in Abuja. You can spend 3hrs in a 20 minutes journey) quickly. I was singing loud to my song, “Celebrity” which I did earlier that month. Men, I was feeling the lame lines I was throwing in.

I got to the bus stop. You know, they said Goodluck Ebele Jonathan was passing, only God knows where that guy goes to. Whenever he is passing eh, all the roads are blocked for security reasons. No be say the man go even come outside come wave person self. So no one should be standing on the bridge beside NNPC Towers. Kai, I had to move to Massalaci junction to get a car. Cars were not coming, policemen had stopped all of them. Goodluck was like 1 hour away. That was how I waited for an hour. After Goodluck passed, the roads were reopened. People who had closed came to join us and we became a crowd of people waiting for cars.