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Episode 33

You have no idea how much I need you right now, you probably won’t believe me but I was not happy at all, all these years I lived in agony, I wished several times that I would just fall down and die, I never saw this day of my freedom coming. “I cried pouring my out to him.

He was shedding tears too but was still standing with a pillow held in his hands. Without anything more to say I stood up. Looked at his face and touched him even when I realized he flinched back a little bit.
“Am still the same person you married and I still love you” I whispered my eyes pouring out and walked out of the bedroom.

That night I could not sleep, I cried my heart out to God, I prayed like I had never done before, praying for him to heal me, to cover my shame, give me a new name and wipe away my tears. I asked and begged for him to take care of my husband and make him see me as I was again.

Early the following morning I walked out and saw Chalwe seated in the couch. As he always did he looked at me and smiled.
“He has heard you my sister, trust him.” He sighed
“Yeah I know, for some reason I felt he was telling me all is well, but I need to go away for a while.” I told him frankly.
“Why is that?” he asked seriously.
“This is hard on me as it is, I cannot even imagine what my husband is going through. I need to go away for a while and will be back when God allows it. Chalwe looked at me for some couple of seconds.
“Did you tell him that?” he asked.
“You will tell him for me when he wakes up, I got a little clothes parked from the spare bedroom. Thankfully my hand bag is out here I have the cards and my phone with me. Please don’t stop me, I feel it in me that I need to stay away for a while.” I held his hand pleading.

Finally he agreed and whispered a small prayer for me and I walked away.
I took one last look at the yard and watched for a short moment where the ashes of Feli were, sighing deeply I went to the gate and straight to the road side to get a vehicle.
I had no idea where I was going to go but I figured I would take one step at a time, to start with, I got on a bus to Kafue, I had not visited my mother’s grave in years and I felt that was where I was to start from.
“Mama, am sorry I have not come to visit your resting place in years. It’s not only that I couldn’t but that I was so ashamed. I know I was wrong and I regret ever doing this to you, forgive me mama I beg you. I will work hard to be the kind of child you wanted from now on.

There is so much I wanted to tell you but it’s not easy since you cannot answer me back. I feel sad that my husband is going through a rough time right now and I only hope one day he will be able to look at me and say he still loves me. “ I cried at my mothers grave spending more than an hour there then later on moved to Brights grave.
Satisfied I had talked to them enough, I went back to town and straight to find Ritah.
She was trying to yell and shout at me the time I got there, but all I did was go down on my knees.

“Am sorry my friend. Am so sorry for your brother. It was never my intention to kill him. I know you hate me but I came so that I ask for your forgiveness, I need it right now” I cried before her and she looked away I saw her wipe the tears from her face.
“What happened to the mighty Felicia? You are down now huh?” she teased looking at me tears in her eyes too.
“I got saved, they prayed for me and that thing is dead” I whispered looking down.
“I see, thank God for that and you can rest easy, I forgive you.” She spoke carelessly I knew she didn’t mean her words. But I thought it was not my own to make her forgive me so I stood up walking away.


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